How To Waltz...

...according to just about any movie I've ever seen that includes teaching somebody the dance, no matter how clueless and inexperienced the trainee is.

• The first think you need to do is to find or be found by some guy, preferably a dashing one, who already knows how to waltz beautifully.  
• Next you need to be in some sort of situation where he asks you to dance with him.  This may be in a ballroom surrounded by hundreds of people, but you might be alone, shockingly enough... perhaps even in your own private quarters where you have a music box that kind of gets things started, or a romantic outdoors setting such as under a large tree next to a lake or something of the sort.
• All you have to do at this point is back up a bit, stutter, make excuses, or even confess that you really can't/don't know how to dance.  This is apparently an irresistible challenge for gentlemen-- and deep down inside, after all, you must really want to, despite any protestation to the contrary.
• To avoid any further embarrassment you accept, and he shows you where your hands should be placed.  (Shocking, I know.  Hopefully you're both wearing gloves.) {Note: this step may be omitted altogether. Hopefully you can figure it out on your own.} 
• Depending on the situation, there may be beautiful, romantic waltz music to guide you-- if not, you'll probably be subjected to the "one-two-three, one-two-three" routine.  (Or maybe he'll actually sing to you, which kind of gets him extra points. Unless he sounds like Gerard Butler.)  The most guidance you'll ever get is being told to begin by stepping backward with your right foot, but even that is not necessary-- once you're in the right position and start moving, you are overcome by some magical knowledge or instinct and won't need any further details or how-to's... you'll just know.  
• You can now waltz beautifully, and are able to add this to your list of accomplishments. 
• If you make it all the way through without breaking away for some reason, don't forget to curtsy at the end.  Oh, and, just a little warning-- you're destined to marry the gentleman with whom this occurs, so choose wisely.  You'll both know you're in love by the end of the dance. 

And that, ladies, is how one learns how to waltz.  But if you end up having to learn some other way, don't worry, it will work too... you might not get the magic instinct, but you will be able to waltz like a duchess-- or even a princess-- in less than six weeks.