Wednesday, March 12, 2014

How To Waltz...

...according to just about any movie I've ever seen that includes teaching somebody the dance, no matter how clueless and inexperienced the trainee is.

  • The first think you need to do is to find or be found by some guy, preferably a dashing one, who already knows how to waltz beautifully.  
  • Next you need to be in some sort of situation where he asks you to dance with him.  This may be in a ballroom surrounded by hundreds of people, but you might be alone, shockingly enough... perhaps even in your own private quarters where you have a music box that kind of gets things started, or a romantic outdoors setting such as under a large tree next to a lake or something of the sort.
  • All you have to do at this point is back up a bit, stutter, make excuses, or even confess that you really can't/don't know how to dance.  This is apparently an irresistible challenge for gentlemen-- and deep down inside, after all, you must really want to, despite any protestation to the contrary.
  • To avoid any further embarrassment you accept, and he shows you where your hands should be placed.  (Shocking, I know.  Hopefully you're both wearing gloves.) {Note: this step may be omitted altogether. Hopefully you can figure it out on your own.} 
  • Depending on the situation, there may be beautiful, romantic waltz music to guide you-- if not, you'll probably be subjected to the "one-two-three, one-two-three" routine.  (Or maybe he'll actually sing to you, which kind of gets him extra points. Unless he sounds like Gerard Butler.)  The most guidance you'll ever get is being told to begin by stepping backward with your right foot, but even that is not necessary-- once you're in the right position and start moving, you are overcome by some magical knowledge or instinct and won't need any further details or how-to's... you'll just know.  
  • You can now waltz beautifully, and are able to add this to your list of accomplishments. 
  • If you make it all the way through without breaking away for some reason, don't forget to curtsy at the end.  Oh, and, just a little warning-- you're destined to marry the gentleman with whom this occurs, so choose wisely.  You'll both know you're in love by the end of the dance. 
And that, ladies, is how one learns how to waltz.  But if you end up having to learn some other way, don't worry, it will work too... you might not get the magic instinct, but you will be able to waltz like a duchess-- or even a princess-- in less than six weeks.


Miss Dashwood said...

*laughs so hard she almost chokes on the granola bar she's trying to eat*

Lesson learned, don't eat snacks and read blog posts at the same time.

TWINNIE THIS WAS HILARIOUS. I LOVED it. The Gerard Butler crack and the bit about the shocking physical contact :P and the irresistible challenge for gentlemen and the destined-to-marry thing... BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

The only thing that you forgot was, what if it's a GUY who's learning to dance? In that case, the other guy teaching him (it's always another guy) must don a tablecloth or some such article to simulate a skirt, and mince around the parlor or whatever the place is, as "the lady's part." Heeheehee. (Favorite scene in GE 2011. Yes.)

Naomi said...

Haha, thanks Melody, this was such a fun post and so well written- I shall keep the tips in mind for when/if a man asks me for a waltz.
I love waltzes! I can actually dances one, called 'Alexandria Waltz' and it's really fun.
Haha, yes hopefully one wears gloves. :)
I really like the picture at the top.

Heidi P. (Lady of Anorien) said...

I was laughing on this one!!! SO FUNNY! The gloves...and the various romantic settings...and the "stuttering excuses"...and the "challenge" for the gentleman. :-) And I agree with Miss Dashwood's point about the tablecloth. If you've read Rose in Bloom by Alcott, there's just such a scene in there (with the addition of a rocking chair). :-)

Lizzie said...

This is delightful! I love it. I've seen first hand how much of an irresistible challenge guys find the "I don't waltz" line to be, but I've actually decided that I will avoid waltzing with a man until I'm courting/dating or whatever, because it's a little too romantic for me... I think I might actually end up in love by the end of the dance. ;) I'm too much of a romantic. But anyway, I'm rambling. Fabulous post!

Lily said...

Bravo m'dear! Quite entertaining. I actually learned to waltz with a girl friend who was pretending to be a boy in one of our games, so it wasn't awkward at all. But the first time I danced with a guy... that was awkward! Although, I only met him the one time, so it's doubtful that we will be wed. :P
Anyway,thanks for sharing your clever insight!

Natalie said...

Hahaha, this was great!!
What if the gentleman teaching you how to dance isn't the One you are destined to marry?
You wouldn't "just know" how to waltz beautifully then...would you? :D More than likely he'd trip over her feet and vice versa, right? :)

Alexandra said...

OH MY GOSH LOLLLLLLLLL. I loved it!!! And so true...dancing when you've never done it doesn't come in three seconds...I may or may not know from experience.... ;)

Melody said...

Wow, almost made you choke on your granola bar-- quite an achievement, I must say. ;)
I'm glad you loved it. :D And I thought you would probably comment with something I 'forgot to say', haha. This post only applied to when a lady is learning to waltz, however. Men, I suppose, would be a different story. ;) And that's my favorite scene in GE 2011 tooo.

Oh, it was my pleasure. ;)

Heidi P.,
Thank you!! And the tablecloth thing is quite hilarious.

Hahaha... well, I haven't *truly* waltzed with any gentleman besides my brother, although I have danced a few old-fashioned dances (kind of like English Country) where there was a little waltzing as part of it and the main sentiment I felt was trying not to fall over or step on the guy's toes... :P I suppose it really depends on the person or situation, heehee! I would love to have a romantical waltz with an actual suitor/fiance/husband one day, though... perhaps that could be the determining factor.
Um. Kidding. :)

Thanks! :) HAHAHA. Was that at that Christmas dance?

I am entirely unacquainted with any situation where a gentleman who teaches you how to waltz is NOT the one you are destined to marry. That sounds very odd. (Heeheehee. Seriously, though-- if all your knowledge was gained by watching movies...)

So glad you liked it! Heehee, I may or may not know that from experience, too... and so will Amy. I tried to teach her how to waltz and she didn't get the hang of it before she left my house... I should try her again. ;)

Jessica said...

Very humorous, my dear. ;-) I've never learned to waltz. Most likely because my husband doesn't know how, so he couldn't teach me. Maybe he should have learned so that I would have fallen in love with him as quickly as he did with me. haha

Naomi Bennet said...

Hi, I've just started my own blog, and I'd love it if you can by now and then! Thanks!

Naomi Bennet said...

Hi...I nominated you for the beautiful blog award. The further details are on my blog:

Naomi Bennet said...

By the way, I hope you and Amy had a lovely time together. I'm so happy for both of you!

Kate said...

Hi, Melody. It feels very brusque to just barge in and comment about something that has nothing to do with your post (which is amazing, by the way), but here goes: I've nominated you for the Liebster Award on my blog (, if you'd like to do it. :)

Anna S. said...

Hi, I nominated you for the Liebster award! Here is the link:

Reyna Nicole said...

Unless he sounds like Gerard Butler. Bahahahahahaha! This amused me muchly (and yes, I did just use Miss Dashwood's new word).


Miss Jane Bennet said...

B'HAHAHAHA. :D This made me laugh. I kept wanting to nominate it for ILTS, but kept thinking that surely someone had already done it. Apparently they haven't, so I'm going to do it now. ;) You have been nominated for the May "I'd Like To Share". :)

Melody said...

Miss Jane,
Why thank you! :D You're the only one who ever nominates my posts, haha. ;) I am much appreciative.

Awdur said...

Very amusing, even though the actual instructions on the waltz itself were somewhat vague… hopefully the magical instinct will come through. :)

Melody said...

The post isn't actually supposed to be instructing people how to waltz; really, the title and the first paragraph are sort of the title but that was too long to put in the actual title. Haha. I was in fact making a statement about the lack of actual instruction when people learn how to dance in movies, as if you're just going to know. Because that's not the way it is. :P

If you're looking to learn how to waltz I'm sure a Google search will come up with something useful! :)

Miss Dashwood said...

I believe the post is meant to be in a humorous vein and not actually instructional...

Livia Rachelle said...

Destined to marry . . . unless you are Laurie and Jo, *Sobbing and stomping*

Miss Woodhouse said...


It's almost kinda scary how much alike the real situation and this post are! I had no idea how to waltz, he offered to teach me, (I don't think I protested though ;P) And I did know where to put my hands (luckily). And of course I found that I could miraculously dance! As for marrying the said gentleman... hmmmm... I'm going to have to think about that one... XD

This was great Melody. Loved the Gerard Butler crack!

P.S. Sorry I know this post is really old, but I had to comment! :D

Melody said...

Hahaha, Miss Woodhouse! That does sound awfully... innnnnteresting. Might we expect a blog post about it? ;)

Don't worry about old post comments; I love them. It makes me feel like I'm still blogging. :P

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