My "love life"

Before beginning, I would like to forewarn you that this is a very long and ramble-y post, and because of my strong feelings on some subject even gets a bit rant-y or defensive at times.  However it was all written in fun and is meant to be taken so. :)  The reason for writing it was not spurred on by anything other than the fact that it's the first of posts I may do about random topics that I tend to go on tangents about.  If you actually enjoy it, please let me know, because otherwise I probably won't be doing more of that type.

"I have very little intention of ever marrying at all.  Someone very superior would have to come along; and even then I would rather not be tempted." 

                     

Emma (this is from the 2009 movie, and not an exact book quote, but it's close) echos some of my own sentiments there.  She goes on to say "If I were in love, it would be a different thing; but then I have never been in love. It is not my way or my nature; and I do not think I ever shall." 

There we differ.  Well, I have never been in love, and I do rather doubt that I ever shall be; those parts are true.  But I do believe it is in my nature, and very much so.  The thing is, I am very careful in guarding that.  If I am ever in love with someone, I know for a fact that it's going to be a majorly huge thing.  I'm saving that for someone who can appreciate and return it-- and if that person never comes along, well, so be it.  I have other uses for the love I have to give.  (People will say things like, when you love someone you don't start loving other people less, and blah blah-- while that may be true, one only has a finate amount of time, and time is very strongly connected with showing love, much as that is sometimes hard to face.)

Far From the Madding Crowd

Anyway, in this way I am much more like Marianne.  "The more I know of the world, the more I am convinced that I shall never see a man whom I can really love."  (Yes, of course I find that Jane Austen heroine quotes hit home remarkably well. ;)) And it is not ONLY that I require so much (which... I do...) but that there is a shocking lack of gentlemen in the world today, and all the guys I've seen have hit very sadly below the mark of what would even be acceptable to me.

I don't mean that to sound hoity-toity or like I think I'm perfect (because I'm not), but... well, most of the guys my age that I've met are either doofuses or jerks, or somewhere in-between.  Honestly, I have not the highest opinion of men, based on my experiences and observations.  "What nasty beasts these men are!" :P  A superior example of manhood I have not yet met with.  

Now, if I WERE to meet one, I would very happily change my tune and concede that there IS such a thing in the world.  However, I would still maintain that most of the OTHER guys are either doofuses or jerks. :P  (But when it came to that, I don't think I would deserve such a fine being.)

I'm talking about our generation, by the way.  For instance, this rant is in no way meant to reflect on my father.  A younger clone of him is still not the type of person I would choose, but I have a very high respect for him and he is one of the most honorable men I know.  The same goes for my brother, and for several other men I know or know of.  (But... well, only a handful.)

Some people will tell me I have unrealistic expectations; but that is entirely untrue.  I don't have unrealistic expectations, because I don't have expectations of any sort.  I have a high standard, and if you want to call it unrealistic, that's your business.  I might agree with you, after knowing your definition of "unrealistic".  But I don't care.  Marriage is not my goal in life.  I will never settle for anyone who doesn't completely wipe away all the concerns that make me hesitate to even want a marriage.  He would be someone that I would find hard to believe even exists.  And that being so, I would also make sure to know him a good long time (here is the difference between Marianne and myself!) to confirm within myself (and with those close to me--this is important!) that I am not at all mistaken, or that he is not misrepresenting himself. 

Marriage is an EXTREMELY important, life-changing decision.  I have seen so much pain and heartbreak around me because of it.  There are some good guys in the world still, I will grant you that.  But there are also a lot more scoundrels than there used to be. I don't mean to sound all doom and gloom, but there is a lot of filth out there and they seem largely influenced by it.

And then there's a certain lack of respect for those of us who act like ladies and wish to be treated thus.  Women have striven for equality but sometimes I think that in some of that they've lost a little bit of respect.  I don't want men to respect me as an equal; I want them to respect me as a lady, who is not less capable or not as smart as them, but who has her own strengths and weaknesses and is of equal worth.  ...at least equal worth. :P

Ahem, I am straying from the Actual Topic at Hand.  Moving forward. 

The topic at hand is, of course, my love life. Or rather, the lack thereof.  But you all have expressed interest in knowing more about me personally, and hearing random ramblings and rants, so this is one of those.  I admit I am often curious when reading someone's blog whom I don't know very well, whether they have any romantic interests.  Can't help it. So, for any of you who are as silly as I am: this post is for you. ;)

That I have never been in love, I have already told you.  To add to that, nobody has ever been in love with me.  I know this for a fact because nobody has known me well enough to make it possible.  I did have a boy's sister once tell me that he'd said he loved me (and whether or not she is right, one cannot be certain)... and a different one asked me to be his girlfriend.  (I said no, but we remained friends for some time.)  He also brought me a rose on my birthday.  All of these instances occurred when I was nine or ten.  I suppose I must have been quite a catch back then. :P

But since I have actually been "old enough" for a relationship... nothing.  Nothing whatsoever.  Both of my older sisters had had beaus by the time they were my age.  But then, they were eager for that to happen, and I never have been.  Whether that makes a different or not, I can hardly tell, because to my knowledge nobody has even come near to expressing interest in me.  And the only boys who have tried to flirt with me have pretty much been creeps.  And that's only like one. Or two. I'm good at chasing them off, apparently, because they didn't get far.

I, however, am completely fine with this.  Yes, I do sometimes wonder if any guys ever think I'm attractive, and I would feel flattered to know that someone admired me.  (As a person, you know. Not as an object. :P)  And although I can imagine that having a boyfriend/fiance/husband COULD be very pleasant, that is... just my imagining how I would like it to be, and not based on anything in real life.

When I was sixteen-going-on-seventeen, instead of dancing about in gazebos and wanting boys to kiss me, I had a very thorough self-examination and faced the fact that it was very probable I would never meet my other half, my soul mate, and all that rot.  And I realized that there are a lot of things about marriage that I do not want, so I certainly wouldn't be willing to make any compromises.

Some girls, upon realizing this, might flop on their bed and cry.  Although I mean no offense to anybody who has actually done this in despair of possibly never marrying, that was not at all my reaction.  I sort of decided to settle right in and got comfortable with the notion.  I thought of all the things I could do if I never marry, all the reasons why being single can be better in some ways, and that I was not one of those girls who felt like she needed a husband (and children) to complete her.

Since that time I started looking with a narrow eye at anyone who IS like that, and that's something I've struggled with in the past few years.  I hope that lately I have become more accepting of those who do not feel exactly the same strong ways as I do about these things, and that God makes some people to want marriage more than others.  (I identify a lot with Paul in I Corinthians 7:7, haha.) For all I know, God made me to not feel like I need it for some very specific purpose.  (And to back up that thought... I Cor 7: 32-34, 37-38. Can you tell this is a favorite passage of mine. :P)

So anyway... while I have tried hard to respect those who want to marry (and I hope have at least mostly succeeded), people thinking marriage is the be-all, end-all, Goal in Life is and always will be a pet peeve of mine.

It's not.  There's so much else to do!  Even if you are going to get married someday, I believe ever season of your life should be cherished.  You will never again have the same freedoms that you do now.  There is something good in your life that you will not have later, no matter where your paths may take you.  I'm a big planner, and I tend to have a lot of ambition for things, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that; but I do think it's better for a person to let themselves live in the moment.  To enjoy what is the here and now, and make the most of it.  You want this year to be spent in a way that will make you look back at it next year and smile.

Oh, look, I'm back on a rabbit trail.

In short, I agree with Lizzy in P&P95.  Lest this post make you think I am not a romantic person, I am in some ways.  A lot of ways, in fact.  I am in no way anti-romance... I mean, duh. You all know that.  During that coming-to-grips-with-reality time I mentioned earlier, do you know what I was reading?  Jane Eyre.  And I got to the end and I was just totally blown away by the love of that fictional couple.  Mr. Rochester is by no means anyone I would want to marry, but how it described their marriage... I thought to myself, if I get married, it has to be at least as good as that.  If that cannot be, I would be much happier not having one.

I believe there are many different kinds of love.  And I think a lot of (happily) married people, are not at all what I would call 'soul mates'.  They do have something special, something no other couple could ever have.  And to be the affectionate wife of a man you can like and respect and, in the way that is unique to you, love; to have a house of your own and children, is enough to make some people perfectly content, and WAY happier than being single.  But it's just not like that in my case. For me... it's kind of all or nothing.

I would like to add that very shortly after that time in my life was when I was starting to get to know Amy, and I was so delighted to find such a kindred spirit.  The timing, I think, was not a coincidence.  She was like my other half, but in a close-female-friendship kind of way.  And I learned that there is a different kind of affectionate devotion, totally different from that of a romantic nature, that two girls can share with each other, which is like having a very close sister, but even better because you chose each other.  I learned that there are other things that seem to be "meant to be" than falling in love with someone.  Just because you're not married or don't have that sort of relationship with somebody, doesn't mean that you are alone or that you have to be lonely.

I am of the opinion that it is not quite the same way for guys, though.  I really wish it were, for their sake.  But I have not observed them capable (in at least 999 of 1000 cases) of the same sort of close friendship with each other as women are.  Their actual emotional attachment does seem to be restricted to romantic love, and of course some familial bonds like fatherhood.  But men need women.  It's kind of a fact of life.  Even if some of them deny it.  However, there are other fish in the sea for them, haha.  I will never be somebody's wife because he needs one.

And that is why it would take a Very Special Gentleman Indeed for me to change my situation in life. ;)

So please, join me in not wallowing in sadness this Valentine's Day because you don't have a valentine.  Tomorrow is CHOCOLATE DAY, which is way better than Black Friday.  (That is to say, V-DAY CANDY SALES!!!!)